We don't want to hear about how you probably fell off of the roof and broke all of your fingers, or something equally as idiotic. It's really no excuse. You have toes.
Ok, then, let's go.
Venus and Melvin had a lovely little Valentine's Day dinner.
Venus thought quite a bit of the fare that evening, but who is surprised by that? It could have been Fritos and beer and she would have thought it was superb, so long as it was edible.
It wasn't long, though, before Melvin had to leave. He had an online chess tournament that evening, and he couldn't be late.
It doesn't really matter, the senile old turd. It won't be long before I have control of his money and he is sitting in a nursing home somewhere with a nurse spoon-feeding him pureed peas.
...do I sense a little hostility?
Of course not. I just don't see what can be so great about a stupid online chess tournament. I mean, he turned ME down for THAT.
Oh well, to each his own, Venus.
It was then, that Venus started acting a little spazzy.
What was that??
Uh...apparently the sound of your sanity whooshing out of the window.
No...I just had the weirdest feeling. Something...someone...is watching me.
Not you, jackass. Something else. I have a very strange feeling.
Get over it, V.
Eventually, I managed to convince her to get into the cab and go home. I don't know what the heck her problem was.
When she arrived at her castle *snicker*, I noticed that the mail person was nice enough to just lay her bills out on the ground. We definitely don't want the repoman coming. She already has little to nothing.
Ugh. I'm tired of performing such menial tasks. I don't know why I can't just go ahead and marry stupid Melvin. I mean, what the french toast are you waiting on? Someone else to come in and swoop him out from under me?? Is this another one of your schemes? Ugh...you are so anno...
Something is wrong.
I feel funny. And all of a sudden...
Who is there??!
There is someone here. A man. Dark. Mysterious. And on the hunt...
FOR ME!! HELP!!
Venus! What the haystacks? Do I need to get a doctor?
NO! A police officer, stupid! I want someone with a gun, not a stethoscope. What am I gonna do with a doctor?
After a lot more convincing, Venus went to bed.
But not without promising a surprise the next day. *rolls eyes* What a child.
I was scared out of my wits! I was comforted by the thought of a surprise waiting on me.
So, like a good little Venus, she woke up the next morning, made her bed...
And cleaned her yard.
Ok, well, enough with the domestics. Can I have my surprise now?
Maybe you already have it. SURPRISE! You get pink hair.
That's lame. I quit.
Just kidding...here ya go.
You've got...Yuri Ivanov! Performing various ballet positions in your front yard. Entertaining, no?
No. I can think of a lot better positions that he could be trying out.
Isn't he just the loveliest thing you ever saw?
Yeah, yeah...you were saying that about Don two chapters ago.
Don is scary! I bet that's who my stalker is.
You don't have a stalker, you have mental issues.
I'm so not bothered with you right now.
It didn't take long, of course, for things to progress even further.
I don't think you even know if you really like anything about Yuri, himself...or you just like his...umm...skills. I don't even know if you've ever talked to him.
LIES! You skip things that happen just to make it look like I hop in bed with everyone as soon as I see them. I demand that you show the truth!
*sigh* Ok. Maybe I did Venus a disservice. She and Yuri didn't jump directly into bed.
I certainly would hate to misrepresent the little sweetheart, so here is what really happened.
When Yuri showed up, they did talk *a little*:
Yes, he said "let's make beautiful music together."
I think we gathered that already, Venus. Thanks.
Venus gave him a little back massage:
And Yuri did a little posing for the camera:
I'm sure that they found out a lot about each other while they were spending "quality time together."
We have a relationship in which there are no words needed.
For once, I think she's right, folks. Venus and Yuri seem to communicate very well without words.
But that could just be because they are both skanks.
They surprised me after they were done, though:
That conversation is going in the wrong direction. I have one word for you:
Pish posh. His days are numbered. Pretty soon, I'll need a nice, young man who is willing to help out a lonely, grieving widow.
What could you possibly need help with?
Oh, you know, the usual. Leaky faucets, mowing the lawn, clogged toilets, broken bra clasps.
I'm getting the feeling that Yuri has a lot of experience with that last one.
He does. It shows, BELIEVE ME.
Apparently, after woohoo and a little chit-chat, it was time for Yuri to head to work.
He apparently has a job as a understudy for Mr. Rogers.
The radio that Venus scoffed at has proved to be a constant source of entertainment.
Well, I have two choices...dance or read a book.
Read a book? Are you serious? Pretty girls don't need to read books. They made books for girls like you who need to read about people like ME who have actual lives.
I did something wrong when I created you.
Because Venus knows which side her bread is buttered on, she called Melvin and invited him over.
She had been invited to a party that evening, so she was going to take him with her. He *is* her boyfriend after all.
*points and laughs*
For some reason, I'm thinking that Venus isn't really wanting to invite Melvin to the party.
Oh well, since when have I cared what she wants??
The party was actually closer than I thought it would be. (Being directly across the road, and all.)
Wow, this is going to be fun...
What the hell? I told you he was going senile. Look! He just knocked that trash can over.
That's the type of insanity that you require me to put up with on a daily basis.
He's old and filthy rich...
Kiss me, you old fool!
Pretty soon, she remembered that this was a party, so there must be food somewhere around.
So, she went inside, where the party host was cooking hot dogs. Venus tried to impress her by bragging about her mad dancing skillz.
I was NOT trying to impress her! How dare you imply that I needed to impress the commonfolk. I impress people simply by existing.
But you were bragging about your mad dancing skillz.
Yes, of course.
Meanwhile, Melvin was outside...
Chatting with an internet chess buddy. This is getting ridiculous. I'm so not worried about him, though. I have an entire plate of hot dogs. Mmmm.
Now, that is truly disturbing.
I'm really scared that Venus might actually try to eat that entire plate of hot dogs.
After the hot dogs had been acceptably consumed, she decided that it was time to leave, so she went to gather Melvin.
And, for a first, she invited him to stay the night at her place.
I'm just trying to score brownie points.
I'm ready to get this thing over with. YOU keep stalling! What are you waiting on...my stalker to show up and whisk me away?
You don't have a stalker. You are just nuts.
Venus certainly didn't spend any time stalling, that evening.
She had visions of money dancing through her head. :-)
I have to keep myself psyched up, or else I will give up.
She shoo'd Mel off as early as she could the next morning, and went in search of something a little more satisfying.
Unfortunately for her, Twallan's Careers mod was having a little "oops" moment, and it caused her to go inside the restaurant and sit there for about 2 sim hours, and never getting to eat anything.
I almost starved to death!
You are so dramatic.
I had to rush her across town quickly to "eat outside" at the bistro, before she expired on me.
She ordered something nutritious and filling, I'm sure:
Cookies. Of course.
Cookies are a good, stick-to-your-ribs type meal, y'know!
Stick to your ass type meal, you mean. ;-)
Have you ever seen a happier sim?
OH HEAVEN HELP ME!!
It's happening again! Save me. Someone is watching me, I just know it. Oh, I'm going to die! And to think, I live in a shack! I never even got to drive a nice car. This is all your fault! I'm too pretty to die!
At this point, Venus decided that she was better at running her life than I was, so she ran off to find a "big, strong man to save her."
I'm guessing that you know where this is going.
Apparently, we've caught up Yuri right in the middle of his busy "Mr. Rogers" schedule. Maybe we out to come back later after he's fed the fish and hung up his sweater.
Shut up. I feel vulnerable. I need some comfort.
I think Venus shocked Yuri right out of his penny loafers.
That's not all that he's going to be coming right out of.
They chatted a bit afterwards, but Venus was anxious to go out that evening, so she cut it short.
Plus, I feel certain that his wife was due home at any moment, and his baby didn't approve of Venus. He informed her that she was "misbehaving" and he was going to have to ask her to leave if she continued.
Stupid babies. Always eatin', poopin, and tellin' everyone what to do.
It kinda sounds like you.
**Moment of silence for my version of Yuri, please**
**end moment of silence**
This isn't about Yuri, it's about me!
You're the one who keeps dragging him in.
And apparently, you must be pretty pleased with him, Ms. Strutty-Pants.
What? I have a wedgie for goodness sakes. That's all.
Venus might as well have the scarlet letter on her forehead, what with all of the death stares that she is getting from the town's elderly population.
Once inside, she didn't order food first, as she usually does.
Who is that man? He looks very familiar to me.
That's Beau Braxton, of course. You met him at my sims SuperBowl party that never happened.
That doesn't make any sense.
Sure it does. It didn't happen because you are a ho-bag.
Well, that isn't very nice. Why do I always get the blame for everything.
My simself was hosting a party in honor of the Packers making it to the SuperBowl. It was meant to be a story special, kinda like the Valentine's card.
There was only one problem. Venus showed up like this:
And Beau is a man. While Heidi was helping my simself set out the refreshments...
THERE WAS FOOD??!
AHEM! While Heidi was helping my simself set out the refreshments, Beau was busy hitting on your in front of his children. It caused a scene, and I just deleted the whole darned thing.
I fail to see how it is my fault.
Because you were dressed like a stripper.
That's so typical. Blame the woman. You are despicable.
I'm just stating facts. Beau is normally well behaved.
Anyways, moving on with my story.
...Beau can walk through doors now. *snickers*
Har har. Why is he here??
I do not know.
At that point, Beau walked straight up to Venus and introduced himself.
This is not Heidi-approved!!!
Who the hell is Heidi?
It isn't Don approved, either.
See? I told you that he was a stalker.
Are you sure about that?
I'm finding this...Beau...to be rather intriguing.
Venus! I demand of you...stop right this second, he does not belong to you!
That's it! I have had enough. This is gotten beyond my control. Meet the new Venus:
You're not funny.
Yes, I am. I laughed at myself a little bit.
It would have been kinder of you to delete me than to turn me into that. I can only hope you are not that cruel.
Venus then proceeded to act very...un-Venus-like.
She offered to buy Beau a drink.
While she was busy ordering drinks, elderly people were busy bringing babies into a bar.
I think that this whole bar idea is just effed up, don't you?
Apparently, this lady does not approve:
I'm sensing a little hostility here:
Maybe there will be a fight!
Ooooo...disaster! That would be GREAT!!!!
Venus, just shut up and get your drinks.
...but, but! I wanted a fight! I want danger! I want DISASTER!!!!!!
Venus resigned herself to the fact that nothing dangerous was going to happen, and downed her drink.
That's when the party started - she had ordered a "KTHXBYE." Which is my favorite simulated beverage.
Yes, V, we see that.
Some sims, however, just can't handle their drink.
No clue what he is doing here. I would be much appreciative if someone could explain.
I think it's sexy.
You think everything is sexy. No one listens to what you say.
You're so mean.
Venus and Beau started to dance together, very awkwardly.
The next thing I knew...Venus was asking Beau back to her place.
He says "yes," I think.
Of course he says yes, did you think he would say no?
...I'm gonna blame this one on temporary insanity.
...I also have no idea where she got this car at. I know that it isn't Beau's. I also know that her funds have not dwindled.
They stood around outside Venus' house for awhile, looking very snooty for some reason. I'm sure Beau is thinking that he lives in a mansion, and he's definitely dumpster diving.
And I'm thinking that I *should* live in a mansion. *glares* Instead, I live in a dumpster.
It didn't take long for the pissiness to lift.
Yeah, you go, Beau. Whatever. I'm disappointed in you. :-P
Oh em gee! His wife has a kid by another man! You are so playing favorites!!!
Shhhh! He will hear you! That's a secret.
Be nice to me, or I will tell him. I will tell him how you let his WIFE have a BABY with another MAN.
*rolls eyes* Whatever, do as you want.
Not that she has ever needed my permission. It looks like Beau took this one over, though.
I can't watch. *covers eyes*
HIM!! It was HIM!!
He was following me! I can tell.
I suddenly don't feel so safe.
Yeah, because he looks so menacing while he struts around in his boxer briefs.
He wants something from me, I can tell.
He's gotten it already.
Oh no! He's going to eat me! AHHHH!!
Goodbye, cruel world. Cruel sim-creator.
Oooooo...it tingles. Death...tingles.
Oh no, I'm not dead yet. Now what's he gonna do?
Ugh, so nasty. What the hell is he doing? Did he just drink my blood? OH MY JEEZ! He's a vampire, isn't he?
I can't believe what just happened. You just allowed that thing to suck the blood right out of my body. You just sat there and took pictures of it! FOR SHAME!!
Talk about "eat and run."
That was awful. Pure awful. I could be anemic! I could literally be DYING right now!! He didn't even stick around to make sure I ate a cookie or drank some juice or something. I could go into shock! Not to mention, I don't know where those teeth have been! *shivers*
I think she'll be just fine, don't you!
Don't trust her! Call an ambulance!
Tune in next time to find out more about Melvin's mysterious chess obsession.