Sunday, August 7, 2011

Taking Matters Into My Own Hands.

Sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands, y'know?

You can't always just sit around on your perfect, lovely ass and wait on some stupid little twit to come and finish what she started. I mean, how long do you wait on someone? SIX YEARS? SEVEN?

Venus - It was just a couple of months, and I...

You shut up! I'm talking.

Anyways, it occurred to me that if you want something right, you just have to do it yourself. *sigh* Sim players these days. I remember back in the TS2 days, when...

You ate all of your cakes and pies before you could sell them in your bakery?

That's enough out of you. NOW you start talking. Well, it's too late. You can take whatever you have to say and STUFF IT! This is my show now. I am doing what I should have done in the beginning, and that is take everything over! You can just sit there in the corner, and do...uh...whatever the hell it is you have been doing these last few months while you were NEGLECTING ME! The NERVE! Ugh...moving ON!

So, here I am, in my new home with a new makeover after Queen Stupid installed a new expansion pack and RUINED EVERYTHING.

Hey, I...




This lovely munchkin is my son, Garnett - whom you have probably completely forgotten about during the MONTHS AND MONTHS that I was gone.

Isn't he precious? I am so glad that he looks just like me, and nothing like his awful, grouchy father.

That's just wrong. Brad is a nice sim.

Who said anything about Brad, I'm talking about his father - Melvin.


What, dingdong?

Melvin is not that baby's daddy.

Am I gonna have to gag you so that I can finish this story without your pointless interruptions?

That one is Jewel. Isn't she pretty? We think she must look like Melvin's mother's side of the family, because she looks nothing like either one of us.


Can it.

She loves her strange looking doll. I have no clue where she got it from, but it keeps her from screaming her head off, so it's good to me.

It's an imaginary friend, V.

Ok, stupid. Then why can I see it? *rolls eyes*

Just...nevermind. Keep going.

So, here we are in our new house. This is our butler, Yorkshire, who did not father my children. (Just in case you were wondering.)


Yes, what about it? It's a butler type name, isn't it?

I suppose. It's YOUR story, after all.

Me and you are gonna get along just fine now. We should have done this from the beginning.

We just LOVE having Yorkshire (or Yorkie, for short) around, because he just adores the children. Isn't that precious?



My dear husband, Melvin, spends most of his days in front of the computer playing online games that only old people like to play. Because he is old. And a little wrinkly. I don't mind this at all, because he is more of an old stinking turd rather than a "dear."

Your eloquence always astounds me.

Thanks, DEAR.

Things are fairly normal here in the Taft-York household. I just scurry around the mansion in my everyday rags.

*raises eyebrow*


Nothing. That is a...lovely outfit you've got there. 

Thank you, darling.

And what is going on here?

Nothing. That is just Yorkie, the butler. Being, y'know - Yorkie, the butler.

Funny how the Taft-YORK family was able to find a butler named YORKshire. 

I know, right? Moving on...

From time to time, Melvin and I are able to have lovely conversations together.

Oh, really? Then why do you look so distraught. And why is "Yorkie" having a fit?

*sigh* Ok, strike what I said. He is a rotten old fart and I hate him to the core of my being.

That is more like it.

Oh, look - another "strange doll."

Those things are weird, and I don't trust them.

On the outside we appear to be such a normal family.

Yorkie spends his days tending to the house...


And Melvin and I tend to the children. (Even though I hate the thought that my babies might smell like OLD PEOPLE!)


But, dinner time is always fairly sucky, because I can't stand to look at his wrinkled old prune self while I eat. It totally ruins my appetite.

So, he and Yorkie usually get to eat by themselves.

You mean to tell me that you actually don't inhale your food as soon as it is taken from the oven? You expect me to believe this?

It's true...I just gaze at it longingly, from afar:


Mmmm...lobster thermometer. My favorite.


 The name of the dish, stupid.

You mean lobster thermidor?

Isn't that what I just said?

OMG, Venus - you are starving your child!

Say what?

You totally forgot to feed Jewel.

 Looks like Br...Yorkie has it covered. What's the big deal?

 Oh, I dunno. I just thought you might care that your daughter was two seconds away from getting ripped away by a social worker, but thanks to the "butler" you are covered.

Sorry, I can't think when I am starving, yet conflicted by the smell of old people and lobster in the same room.


I think "Yorkie" is getting irritated with your nonsense.

Pishposh. Yorkie adores me.

...I'm sure.

Finally! The time has come for the old ball of wrinkles to go to bed. THANK HEAVENS.

Now, I can eat all I want to. I just wish Yorkie would shut up and let me eat. I can't concentrate with all of his jabbering.

You have to concentrate to eat?

More like "savoring."

Well, at least Melvin has a "nice" bed, right?

Bwahahaha. The shittiest I could find, and as far away as possible. I can't wait until he's 7 feet under.



What an awful thing to say!

You were the one that created me. Maybe you should do some introspection into your inner self.

It's party time after the ancient one goes to sleep. I can finally cut loose without having to hear him complain about the music being too loud, or whatever else it is that old people find annoying.

The kids can play without having to smell the stench of old people:

And then it's time for Mommy and put them to bed with a bedtime story.

What was that you just said?

Bedtime story?

Before that.




I distinctly heard a "Da" in there somewhere.

You're getting old. Your hearing is failing you. It happens to Melvin all the time. Next thing you know, it's prune juice with every meal.


See? Isn't storytime fun?

Well...err...Yorkie does struggle from time to time.

And then of course, it's off to bed! Time for Mommy to sleep after a long day!

Sleep, huh?

Why, yes! I need my beauty rest! You wouldn't know anything about that, though. 


You dirty peeker!! 

Don't worry, I didn't stay for the good stuff.


I found myself feeling slightly under the weather the next morning.

Oh, really? Too much Yorkie...I mean, lobster thermometer?

What are you talking about?

Nothing, really.

Moving on...

We spent the morning with the little darlings, as usual:


All of a sudden, I had an overwhelming urge to...

Puke your guts out?

Something like that.

Apparently, Melvin was very annoyed by this. Or...something. Who knows. Could be anything, being a grumpy asshole and all.

Urrr...Venus? Why are you wearing that?

Didn't you change my outfit? I thought you did. I could have sworn you told me to change outfits.

Um. No.

Not with those shoes, I didn't.

Oh, damn. Damn you to hell!


It can only mean one thing...

That one day you will pay dearly for breeding me like a DOG!

I hardly think a third child can be classified as "breeding you like a dog."



I...I just can't deal with this today...*sniffles*



 Damn - she's gone.


Check back in a few days for the last installment of "Venus Does Riverview," where we will find out how this whole escapade ends! 


Saturday, April 30, 2011

What You Don't Know...CAN Hurt You.

I don't think anyone has forgotten what happened LAST time we were here.

It was kinda mean of you to leave everyone in that awkward position for so long, y'know!


Well, in the middle of the LOVELY wedding ceremony, there was a surprise visitor.

Oh, it's a man! Oh, sweet victory. This is the best news that I have had all day!


Venus wasted little to no time in bargaining and pleading with Death. Without so much as an introduction, she was on him like white on rice. She would stop at nothing to save Brad from the death that she had accidentally caused.

Death assured her that he could think of something.

...I was not so sure about the whole deal.

That's because you are ridiculously neurotic. Stop worrying about everything and leave this to the expert.

...they were able to work something out.

I, however, was appalled. I could not believe what was happening before my very eyes.

My friend was out cold on the floor, and my sim was getting cozy with Death.

In other words...

All hell had broken loose.

The shtuff had finally hit the fan.

It was time to abort.

I hated to run out like that, but sometimes...self-preservation prevails.

...even in sims.

Things went about how you would imagine they did with Venus and Death...

I've had better.

Well, now might be a good time to start learning to keep some things to yourself.

Does woo-hoo normally make one nauseous?

Oh gosh, was it that bad?

Hold that thought...

Hmmm...things are certainly looking fairly "grim" for Venus.


Bwahaha. I made a funny.

You made a stupid. Continue with the story, please.

Someone is in a foul mood.

Yeah, hacking your guts out will do that to you.

Apparently, Death took at least a little pity on Venus and her weak stomach...because he held up his end of the bargain:

That death...he certainly is a good guy. Even if he did make me puke.

...I don't think he's the one that made you puke.

SHUT UP! I'm not hearing this.

Death disappeared as soon as his job was done, leaving Venus and Brad there all alone.

They had at least a good 4 hours of catching up to do.

4 hours? Are you counting the FOUR WEEKS that we sat there idle in the game, thinking that we had been abandoned, OMG, it was HORRIBLE!

*rolls eyes*

The next day found Venus at the diner, bright and early.

I have been extra hungry lately. And for some strange reason, wanting pickle flavored waffles.

Uh....eeew. disturbing.

No, that is delicious! Especially with chocolate syrup. Oh! And a side of gravy, with a glass of cranberry juice.

You're glitchy!

After her...lovely *gag*...meal, Venus headed down to the Day Spa and treated herself to a massage. Apparently, her back had been aching. *raises eyebrow*

I have large breasts! That's normal! YOU wouldn't know anything about that.

That was HURTFUL!

I'm SORRY! *cries* I don't know what has been wrong with me lately. I bet that a chicken leg would help it, though!

You're very scary these days.

I was able to keep Venus away from the restaurants, under one condition:

Brad was apparently so happy to see her, that he just walked straight through a window.

She had been thinking on the way over there, and decided to let him know about her "plans."

She told him about everything. Her whole "golddigger" thing, and Melvin...

She also told him that she had a plan on how everything could work.

It was a very deep conversation for such a shallow sim.


WHY *sniffle* are you so *sob* MEAN to be lately.??

Someone's lost their sense of humor!

Yeah, what about it, bitch?


Oh gosh, I'm so sorry, I don't know what's come over me. 


Brad seemed to be pretty keen on Venus's plan.

And they both seemed to have plans of their own...

Of course, afterwards, it was time for "The Many Mood Swings of Venus" again.

This would be "Evil, plotting Venus."


Brad looks scared, don't you think?

Sooner, rather than later, it was time for Venus to leave and start Phase 1 of her evil plan.

Which took her to...


Melvin Taft's house!

You are so sadistic.

Are those lovehandles that I see?

What? NO! I look so foxy, what the heck are you talking about?

Your muffin top! OMG! You are going to have to cut back on the pickle pancakes.

They are waffles! And, once won't hurt me.

Pfft. Once, my Aunt Fanny.

You mean once, your big fat fanny.



When Melvin came out to greet Venus, she just had to let him know how EXCITED she was to see him.


Of course, what she didn't know (And couldn't have planned better herself!) is that Melvin had a surprise for her.

He's going to drop dead right in front of me, isn't he? OH HAPPY DAY!

Nope, even better.


She said "yes," of course.

You made me.

Oh, this is all too much for my poor little heart to handle. I just can't take it. I think my dainty little heart is just going to stop beating. *sniffle*

Suck it up, whimp! What's happened to you, lately?

I don't know! *sobs* I feel funny! Chocolate chip cookies would make it better, though! 

Oh my gosh! 

Can I go home now? I think I have some peanut butter in the cabinet. I think I just want to sit down in front of a good movie and eat peanut butter straight out of the jar. And wash it down with a glass of pickle juice. Mm. Pickles.

You don't even have a TV!

Damn you.

Besides, the faster you marry that old fart, the faster we can kill him off, and the faster you get to move on with your life! So, go get 'em girl!

TONIGHT?! I can do it tonight?

With my permission, Venus went to present the idea to Melvin. She told him that she couldn't wait to marry him because she loved him so much. (I threw up a little, typing that.)

That's my girl!

Melvin was happy to oblige her of course. I mean, he was old, and fugly. She was still young and pretty hot for a girl with a pot belly.

I resent that! You should consider what your hurtful words are doing for the body images of girl's that might be reading this!

I'm talking about your pot belly, not theirs. I'm sure they think I'm hilarious, and probably are thinking that you could benefit from a few sit ups. Haha. I told you that you were gonna be a porker soon. Haha.

I'm tuning your negative and vile attitude out.

 Venus and Melvin got married.

At this point, even I am starting to feel bad.

Oh, backing out now. You are in this with me.

 (Author's note - it is very hard to direct your favorite sim to marry an old troll. Just a little FYI.)

Awww, I heard that! How sweet! You really do love me!

No sooner had the vows been spoken, than Venus noticed that this house was filled to the brim with new technology. (This was her new home, after all. I figured it was a step up from the trailer. I didn't realize until afterwards that she lost her cars with the house, so don't tell her!)


Shut up and play your computer games.

 Anyways, as I was saying...

Venus was fascinated by all of the new fangled technology in the house, such as this 10 year old computer.

I think if I tried to use the internet on this computer, it would automatically explode.

What, you don't like playing "Oregon Trail?"

Haha...very funny.

Venus was just trying to figure out how to turn the thing on when...

 She had an old man in her face.

Apparently, it went something like she "needed to get off her fat ass and do something."

 Venus didn't take too kindly to his remarks.

That old troll. Can you something about him now, isn't there some kind of button you can push?

Now, now, Venus...what about the plan?

"The plan" didn't include anything about that wrinkly old prune DEIGNING to insult my lovely form!

Sometimes you have to take the  bad with the good.

And what is "the good."

The money, of course. You didn't think I meant his charm and boyish good looks, did you? *Snort*

Ugh. Point taken.

Unfortunately for Melvin, there was no slice of "fat ass" for him that evening.

In fact, the only reason that they are in the same bed is because there wasn't enough room for another one, what with Henry and Audrey there, as well.

Ugh. It smells like old people in here.

It's your husband.

The next morning, Venus woke up in another mood.

Oh, sweet heavens. I thought it was all a terrible nightmare. Woe is me.

Woe is me? People really say that?

They do when their life is as terrible as mine.

For some reason, V started walking really funny.

Back is killing me. God, that bed was horrible. Can't you do something about that? 

'Fraid not!

But, at least there's a good view here!

Ugh. Nausea again.

I know, right? Me, too. I can't believe I am subjecting myself to this. See? I'm punishing myself as much as I am punishing you.

So...end our suffering! Get rid of the old coots and move some eye candy in here.

No can do, toots! ;-)

Venus (and I) decided that she had seen enough wrinkly skin for the time being, and headed out to greener pastures.

She let Brad know about everything that had happened with Melvin, and he was very supportive of her.

He even took her out for a nice meal at the diner.

Mmmm...pickle waffles with strawberry syrup. 


I somehow managed to avoid altercation with the "old friend" that is pictured here.



Don who?

Oh, jeez.

Soon, however, it was time for Venus to head back to the old folk's home. Heh.

Haha. Funny.

Bad timing?


Venus went ape shit on Melvin, obviously. He claimed it was a friendly hug. I don't know about you, but my friends never eye my bazoombas like that.

Things just seemed to escalate from there.

Like, when he pointed out her uh...protruding...belly.

Which, is totally ok for ME to do, but him?? *shakes fist*

Venus was completely shocked. She was NOT used to being mocked in such a fashion.

So she told him exactly what she thought of him, in words that even *I* won't use on here.


And then she went and rested in his room.

...looking mighty happy, I might add.

I'm thinking of the many ways that I would like to murder Melvin. You know, there are quite a few ways to kill a human. Most of them are very enjoyable.

Oh, this is going to be much more fun that I previously imagined.

Say, didn't I see some ice cream in the freezer?

Maybe if I get fat enough, I can sit on Melvin's head and smother him. THERE'S an idea!

After her midnight snack, Venus decided to call it a night. Melvin was still downstairs watching TV, thank goodness.

It wasn't long, though, before all heck broke loose.


What are you talking about?

My insides! They are ripping apart! HELP!

...uh...don't worry, Melvin. We've got this covered. No need to bother yourself with it.

No sooner had I started trying to figure out how to help Venus, than this happened:

What is this cocoon thing?

It's a baby, omg! You weren't were pregnant...hey...why do you still  look fat?

Oh, isn't this just sweet? What do I do with it? Do I need to feed it or something? Hey what's wrong with his head?

It's another glitch. Hey...why do you still look fat??!

Folks, I present to you - Garnett and Jewel York. 

Their mother is absolutely smitten.

I saved her the trouble of having to take care of little blue and pink worms.

Oh, they are just the most wonderful things that I ever saw!

Of course there was just one little thing.


You see, she had to explain the whole thing to him when he woke up.

She had to let him know that they were now parents to two beautiful children, and that since the house was so crowded, they were going to have to move.

It was fairly obvious that Melvin was not pleased, but what could he do? 

God, he's hideous. I'm so glad that these children are not his.

How do you know they aren't his?

Because they are adorable and not hideous.

 Either way, it was new house time:'s starting to ALL be worth it! And to think...2 days ago, I didn't even have a stove. I'm so proud of myself.

What have you done besides be a whore?

...your point?

Of course, there's no way that Venus could take care of that big house all by herself. With the new babies, she quit her job, and was now a full time mother.

Still, she needed some help.

...did someone call a butler?

Hmmm...I think he's ready for me to give him a few extra chores. Mwahaha.

Venus insisted that she was too tired after a full day of taking care of children to sleep with anyone in her bed - so Melvin spent the majority of time in the guest room, wire bed and all.

...while the butler performed his various duties.

OMG! You showed me without my wig, how embarassing!!

Note how she doesn't care that she isn't wearing any clothes.

I don't sweat the small stuff. Oh my hair. FOR SHAME!

And, of course, she never really slept alone in her plush, cushy bed. But what Melvin didn't know couldn't hurt him, right?

...or maybe it can.