What? No snide remarks about how long it has taken me to get back to you?
NO!!!! I genuinely am just so happy to see you. I thought I was dead, for reals. It was scary. You were gone for, like, decades.
But, no problem. Come on, let's go get that old fart's money. Hurry. Before it disappears or something.
Lemme just freshen up a bit. Considering until 5 minutes ago, I had been wearing the same outfit for a MONTH *ahem*, I'm sure that my face is looking a fright.
Umm...I think we don't really have time for that right now.
Oh. Jeez. It's time for work already? Well, that was one good thing about being on an extended vacation. No work. We'll get back to the gold-digging later.
Yeah, I'm sure you had fun, sitting around in your underwear, and eating all day.
Just exactly what do you think I was eating? You haven't taught me how to cook, and I have no stove. *glares*
After work that day, Venus was ready to go ahead with her plans to finally reel in Melvin for good.
So, she gave him a call.
Unfortunately, his internet chess buddy was in town for a visit. He told Venus that she was welcome to come by and hang out with them, and get to know his guest.
And just exactly am I going to do with THREE old farts? He already lives with that HORRIBLE old man, and he already IS a horrible old man. Am I to guess that his "guest" will be just DELIGHTFUL?
You're right. Probably not. So...what are your plans now?
I'm hungry. That's what.
Color me surprised.
Shut up, I have been eating cold soup for WEEKS, thanks to you.
So you decided that COOKIES was a more balanced meal?
Mmmmm...warm cookies. Just what I needed.
I'm surprised that you have managed to stay so slim while I was gone. I figured, if left to your own devices, you would turn into a porker for sure.
Why don't you just leave me alone? Oh...wait....you've already done that. FOR FOUR WHOLE WEEKS.
Venus was just finishing up her...meal...when Sherman Bagley decided to sit down for a chat.
Which, I am sure Venus was glad of. He was probably the first person that she had conversed with in a very long time. (ooopsie!)
Isn't this that twerp that you invited over to my house that one time, and he spent the whole time being scared of his own shadow. And then I finally told him that he was lame and sent him on his way? WHY is he talking to me about CLOWNS?
I'm so outta here.
Wow. That was rude. Even for you.
I was rude? HE was rude! Being annoyingly boring and STUPID is socially unacceptable. He shouldn't even be in this game.
Venus decided that spending her evening at The Grind was a better use of her time away from Melvin.
She immediately started table dancing. Go figure.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Nothing. Just seems like a very "Venus" way to pass the time. *whistles*
Before long, it seemed as if she was wanting some companionship, though.
Or maybe she was just wanting to take the bartender home:
NOT funny. He has enough makeup on his face to last me a week.
Something else that wasn't very funny seemed to be going on in this club.
Apparently, Venus always makes it just in time for the "Geriatric Gala."
Oh no. This whole town is getting taken over by old people. What if it's catching? What if...*screams*...I get old, too??? SAVE ME!!!
Oh, Lord. What did they put in that drink?
It wasn't long, though, before Venus found someone to hang out with.
He was the only man available, aside from the bartender who really doesn't count.
Don't be fooled by his advanced age...it appears that Kurt Shallow cuts a pretty mean rug:
Well, that was awkward. I was afraid that he had thrown a hip out or something.
Poor thing! Aren't you going to help him, or something?
...no. I wasn't.
He seems to be ok.
Apparently, he's a tough old dude, because within a few seconds, he was back to burnin' up the dance floor:
In fact, it looked as if Venus was so impressed with Kurt's moves, that she started taking things to the next level.
I blame it on the drink.
...sure ya do.
And then all of a sudden:
Even the girl dancing behind them looks shocked.
That's jealousy. I would know it from a mile away, I have had to face it my entire life.
Is it just me, or is Kurt looking super-dreamy right now?
It's the booze, dingbat. Now, let's get out of here before you do something that I will regret.
Good girl. Now...let's just get a taxi, and...
WHAT THE FRENCH TOAST?
Why is he tagging along behind you??
We won't be needing a taxi.
You're terrible! You're going to give that poor old man a heart attack!
Oh, I'm going to give him something, but not a heart attack. *wink*
I think right now, he's just having a fright at what a mess your house is.
It won't be long before he doesn't even realize that there are walls around us.
Errr...I'll leave you two to that. But don't say I didn't try to stop you.
You would rather me be with Melvin? He's old and terrible. At least Kurt is one hot piece of geezer meat.
*sigh* Apparently he is, Venus. I just hope he doesn't die while he's here.
Oh, great. And now he's already talking about diamonds.
I love Kurt. He is the best ever. I want to marry him and have 5 of his babies.
Unfortunately, he's lucky to still be alive. I don't think that his heart could make it through making 5 babies.
Kurt seemed to be quite taken with my little Venus, as well.
But, she wasn't too happy when he put his fist through her throat. Can't say that I blame her.
Oh my god. What is he doing in my house?
This...old guy. What is he doing here, and why is he walking like he's got a corn cob stuck in his...
Don't you remember what happened?
Oh. My. JEEZ! Did you just make me...
Don't blame this on me! You shouldn't have been drinking!
Oh, no. This is just terrible.
...or maybe not so much. He looks pleased, and I need campaign donations.
The technical term is "hooking."
Not if there's kissing! *teehee*
Don't *teehee* me, you tramp! You just somehow managed to pull $11,000 out of that poor old man.
I didn't ask for that much, I just asked for a "donation."
If you're going to become the leader of the free world, I am scared.
And...really. What must the neighbors think?
"Damn, I want what that man just had."
You're almost creepy.
Thank you. *cheesy grin*
The next day, Venus had quite the surprise waiting on her.
Oh, isn't this great? Look at this. A new car. And there's a note! "Thanks for the great night last night. -Kurt"
Shouldn't you be happy about my great fortune?
No, I'm too busy being pissed because you get my dream car, and you're a floozy.
Venus couldn't resist taking this beauty out for a spin, especially since it was her day off.
Although, I have no idea why she's driving it like a granny.
Shut up. You were the one who downloaded this car. Shouldn't you have checked to make sure that I wouldn't look stupid while driving it?
I don't make CC, I just download it.
Yeah, well, you better do a better job. If I ever have kids, I don't want them to look like alien beings walking around, because of you and your faulty CC.
KIDS?? You think I'm gonna let you have KIDS??! Bwahahah. That's the funniest thing I've heard all day.
I should have known that there was some sort of ulterior motive to this little drive, as she ended up here:
Yuri was so excited to see her that he walked straight through the door.
You think it's funny to make fun of us, don't you? You don't understand the struggles of being a sim. Imagine if you were minding your own business, and the next thing you knew you were stuck in the floor. How would you feel? It wouldn't be so funny then, would it.
Yes. Yes it would.
Somehow, Yuri managed to make it through the door, and he greeted Venus.
Once inside, it was clear that no one had any love for the screaming child that was sitting in there.
Of course, I guess it would be too much to ask for the FATHER to see about it?
Ugh. Screaming brats. Can't stand them.
And 5 pictures ago, you said that you wanted children. Pfft.
I would make sure that MY children were well-behaved. And if they weren't...that's what Nyquil is for.
You're a terrible, horrible sim who will never even be allowed to touch a child, much less give life to one.
What? I didn't say I wanted to kill 'em...just shut 'em up for a little bit.
Screaming baby, or not...Venus was not one to be deterred from what she was wanting:
There was something hanging around this house that would put a damper on just about any romantic endeavor that Venus and Yuri had in mind.
Yuri has an incredibly homely maid?
Wrong. He has an incredibly homely wife.
Wrong. She would be a homely maid. She's a fugly wife.
If you think *I* should be jealous of her...then YOU should be the one that's offended, don't you think?
That made my brain hurt.
Luckily for Venus, Nadine basically doesn't give a flying duck what (or who) her husband does in his free time, so the only thing she wanted to do was chat about astrology.
Wow. I don't understand why Yuri cheats on her at all. She's so pretty and clever.
Kinda like you, right?
You made me!
Anyways, it wasn't long before Nadine had to go do something incredibly boring, so she sent the two on their way (with her blessing). They went to have dinner at the Bistro.
Did I say she was boring? I meant AWESOME. Yuri's wife is AWESOME. In fact, more wives should be like her.
After dinner, Yuri started playing his guitar:
While Venus cut a rug:
Much to her dismay, it was just about time for Yuri to turn into Mr. rogers again:
So he had to go to work.
Urg. Stupid man gets a free pass from his wife and he spends it in a button up sweater. What a waste!
Hey, have you heard from your "boyfriend" lately?
Well, you just saw him walk away in that atrocity....oh...wait. You mean...HIM. No. Who cares.
You should. Your well-being depends on it. Or, at least your materialistic well-being.
I hate you forever.
Melvin didn't have much to say to her. Turns out he and his guest were busy playing some smart-people game. Yawn.
Well, hell. I'm just so sad about that one. Now whatever shall I do with my time. Oh, I know. I'll find an ATTRACTIVE man to spend time with. There's something new and exciting.
It was then that I realized for the fiftieth time, that it was never a good idea to allow Venus to run herself. She was off like a flash, to give Brandt Spenster (Mr. Nellie Spenster, thank you) an inspirational speech.
But, she mostly looks terrifying. *shrieks*
But, of course, Venus is Venus...and she is able to turn all social situations into romantic endeavors in 2.5 seconds flat.
The only thing was...Nellie's sister, Whatsername, was standing right behind them when all of this happens:
...and she doesn't look too pleased.
Who cares? She's a hag...Nellie's a hag. I'm hot. So's her husband. You do the math.
Apparently, Brandt already did do the math, and decided that the risk was worth taking. Oh well, his funeral, I guess.
He died and went to heaven.
Is it just me, or this has went quicker than normal? I mean, I don't think Venus even had to say anything this time.
Body language is the best form of communication.
Indeed. That's why Whatsername isn't worried about her sister's husband.
Your body language clearly says "I charge by the hour."
I do not. I believe in free love.
Thanks, Captain Obvious.
Anyways, the obligatory "mad dash for the house" ensued not too long after.
Stupid man. Stupid, stupid man. Men are so ridiculous.
He knows what he wants.
Yes, and he clearly has perfect taste in hookers.
I could tell that there was definitely something different about Brandt as soon as he stepped into the "house," he seemed ill at ease.
It's because he's not used to being around a goddess.
Goddess??? *raises eyebrow* Venus, stay away from Charlie Sheen!
What?? It never crossed my mind.
I'm keeping an eye on you from now on.
She spent the next few minutes trying to make Brandt feel a bit more comfortable, it was clear that he had never done this sort of thing before. He was a GOOD guy, I guess you could say.
I bet he's a gold-digger, just like I am. Pfft. Nothing good about him. He is married to a wrinkled old prune!
One back massage:
And one makeout session later:
It seemed like Brandt was ready for action.
Yes. Yes, indeed. Very ready.
I'm in love.
And, he apparently liked...whatever it IS that Venus does to men...
Because he couldn't seem to keep his hands off of her.
Not to diminish my ability or anything, but he IS married to a lady that has one foot in the grave.
Because I'm such a nice person, and Brandt seems to be a pretty decent looking sim, and his look definitely doesn't suit his *ahem* pesonality, I decided to give him a makeover:
Nellie can thank me later.
It wasn't long before he was "ready" again:
And many more times that I didn't even care to get a picture for.
*Phew* For a second there, I thought I was gonna pass out.
Anyways, Venus didn't have time to be exhausted. Brandt had other plans. (Clue - NOT cuddling.)
It was at this point that we finally figured out why Brandt was so antsy when he walked into the "house."
He's neat and he thinks this place is a pigsty. (It is.)
He wants Venus to clean it. (She does.)
I would do anything he asks me to. ANYTHING.
So, Venus proceeds to clean:
And so does Brandt:
After they were done cleaning, Brandt started thinking he was hungry:
Okay, dude, that's where I draw the line.
He does NOT need to be acting like he's put a ring on it.
And not too much later, he was gone.
Venus has started having crazy ideas about Brandt.
My ideas are NOT crazy, they are fabulous. I have a fool proof plan. He is married to an old lady, and when she kicks the bucket - he will be rich! Then we can get married and he will have an old person's money. Same thing. Melvin is no longer needed. We can move on now.
...not so fast, dear. I totally don't think so. You have to marry Melvin. It's pre-determined. You have no say over it.
You suck at life, loser.
*shrugs* That's the way the cookie crumbles, toots.
The next morning, she had a lovely breakfast of...ice cream?
The breakfast of CHAMPIONS!
Then, it was time for work. But wait. AGAIN, there was a surprise waiting on her:
An Aston-Martin. With a note that was simply signed "Love, Brandt."
I WIN! I WIN AT LIFE!! HAHAHAHAH!
This is getting scary.
Venus winning streak continued as the day progressed. She received a promotion that day at work.
Of course, she wasn't wearing a shirt. So much for hard work.
I can't stop winning.
Are you sure that you haven't been hanging around with Charlie Sheen?
NO, I SWEAR!
I can't help that I have tiger's blood. Adonis DNA.
OK, that's it. You're getting deleted.
Get a sense of humor, I was making a joke.
Anyways, since Venus was having such a good day, I decided to give her exactly what she had been wanting.
I kid you not. She's been practically begging.
Well, I wouldn't say BEGGING, but...
You know what they say about men's noses.
Just a few minutes later, Venus invited Walter back into her office to show him their new plan of action.
She showed him a plan of action, alright...
Afterwards, Venus was hungry (go figure), so she invited Walter out to dinner. When they came out, she decided it was time to give Melvin another try.
Hmmm...that was strange.
He didn't seem interested in me at all. And I swear I could hear a female voice in the background.
I better go investigate. Something's fishy.
What about Walter?
Oh...he's got to go home. His ugly wife wants him home.
You certainly are pleasant.
What? I'm just stating facts!
Hmm...that's a very interesting mailbox that Melvin has. Camouflage, is it?
...I don't think you should be worried about the mailbox...look in the window!
It's Melvin. So what?
A little to the right?
WHAT IS THAT UNFORTUNATE LOOKING GIRL DOING PLAYING ON MY BOYFRIEND'S COMPUTER??!
Unfortunate looking?? *raises eyebrow*
Tune in next time to find out, well...you know. ;-)