Chapter 1 - Watch Out World, Here She Comes

Here we have our lovely heroine (for lack of a better word) Venus York.

And because I immensely enjoy how The Food Legacy is set up, Venus will be joining us as a guest commentator.

Isn't that right, Venus?

...Venus?


VENUS!!!!


What??! What do you want?

Well, for starters, I think YOUR readers would at least like a "hi" or something. We don't want this to be a bore-you-to-death-acy.

Hi.

What is YOUR problem?

...I can read, y'know.

And?

And I totally saw what you said about me! You called me a floozy and other things that I am too lady-like to mention. Isn't there some kind of code between sims and their creators? You shared PERSONAL details, for freak's sake.

OMG. Did you not also see where I said I loved you, and you were awesome, and my favorite sim EVER?


Yes. But it doesn't make it better.

Ok, well...be pouty. Moving on with the story. I can do this just fine without you.

This is Venus' lovely new abode.


Don't you mean trailer?

Whatever you want to call it. It's where you live now. And count yourself lucky, Adrienne got a bed in a field when she started. 

Can you just tell me what the HELL that is in the corner over there?

  
A flower-bed, duh! Do you have something against flowers, Venus?


Umm...no not particularly. But that's not the corner I am referring to, jackass. The other one.

 That's your new ride, of course. You don't like it?

You've got to be kidding me. That's a pile of rusty shit. Are you trying to kill me? 

I thought you were supposed to have a "good sense of humor." You didn't catch my sarcasm?

Haha, funny girl. See how funny YOU think it is if you were plucked out of somewhere comfortable and thrown into a shit hole. 

Ok, well, if you'd shut up, I can introduce you to your neighbors:

 
 Yay. So excited.


I think there are a few men down there that might not be too bad.

Umm...golddigger...remember? Pardon me if I don't think a trailer park fits my definition of "moving on up in the world."

 
 What are you thinking about?

I am thinking that you said I was your favorite sim. Yet you do this to me. Seems more like we are worst enemies.

I only torture those I love.

Whatever. I should be motherloded and coddled. Not treated in such a manner.

    
 And I definitely do NOT like the looks of this place. I refuse to go in. You can't make me. I'll take a bed on a field, at least Adrienne eventually got a house.


I have bigger things in store for you. But since you are choosing to be headstrong right now, how's about we find you a job?

    

  Awwww...see? There's my girl! I'm glad you found your sense of humor.

You always could make me laugh. I love your jokes.

Jokes?

Me? A job? You could be a comedienne.

Uh...Venus? I wasn't joking. You *have* to get a job.

    

Did I say this house is hideous? I mean I love this trailer. It's just what I always wanted. In fact, I think I'll go inside and have a little looksee.

Sorry, toots. It's too late now. The cab has been called. Besides, you rolled a want to get a job in the political career.

I also rolled a want to flirt with someone and I didn't see you doing that one! Since when does my opinion count?


It's been saved. Don't you worry.

 So, here, as you can see. Venus did, in fact, join the political career. YAY! Wish points. She's gonna need lots of those to achieve the greatness I expect her to.


Stop talking about me like I'm not here.

Did someone say something?

 
 Ok, I can tell you this...that little girl couldn't possibly care less about your new house. Stop boasting. Or at least wait until you have something to boast about.

Shut up, I'm great with children. They love me.

 ...yeah. Right.


Stuff it. I never claimed to be an expert on children.

*rolls eyes*

And just what are you doing now?

 
 Telling a funny story, of course. Something YOU know nothing about. I'm trying to impress this guy.

A funny story about a bathtub?

If you would stop yapping long enough, you could hear my story, and you would understand.

I don't speak Simlish.

    Oh. Well, tough cookies for you then. It was a great story, as you can tell. I'm sure...this guy...is totally impressed with me and my good sense of humor.


He probably thinks you are a hooker in that get up. But whatever. Can you please explain to me why you want to impress this:

 He looks wealthy.

Because he's wearing a polo shirt? Well, wealthy or not...he's fugly, and too young for you. You need to see the ghost of your spouse, and preferably before you are old and wrinkly.

 
Hey, you up there, that lady is moving in to  my territory. Do something.

Did you not listen to a word I just said?

Huh?

We're leaving.

 
You're hungry, anyways. And maybe if you are stuffing your face, I'll get a moment's peace. This "commentary" thing wasn't my brightest idea.

Is there any certain reason why you came out the back door?

Of course. Because I wanted to.

...or you snuck out without paying?

I didn't pay. But who said I was sneaking? I was simply bribing the busboy.

...you are pathetic.

   
So...is he better?

What the hell are you doing?

Dancing, duh. You didn't answer my question. Is this geezer better?

Umm...his name is "Flat Broke." I think you are barking up the wrong tree.

Ok. Eww. Go away, old man.

    
There you go, Venus. Man-meat...ripe for the picking.

Ok, and while I'm conversing with him...you can tell your simself to stop trying to copy my outfit. It isn't working.

What?

 
That's not my simself, you piece of crap!

Coulda fooled me. *snicker*

You're vile.

I thought you said I "oozed charm."

What was I thinking?

  
  Venus then attempted to woo Hunter Cottoneye with talk of baby blocks. Go figure sims.

But what I failed to tell Venus (*wink*) was that Hunter was a little bit of an....ummm...acquired taste.

You did that on purpose.

Who, me?

At this point, Venus was exhausted and it was time for her to head home:

 
So, she got a taxi and headed home, so she could finally get a look at her new house.

...trailer.

OMG, does it really matter??!

 
She had a good laugh at the inside of it, and then took her happy ass to bed. Finally.

I heard that.

Who cares?

 
After her beauty sleep, Venus sat down to a glorious breakfast of cereal.

Because I don't have a stove.

And what good is a stove gonna do ya? You don't even know how to cook. 

I was just trying to make a point.

Anyways...

   
After breakfast, it was time for her first day of work. As you can see, she dressed to impress.

Surprisingly, she was given a promotion almost as soon as she walked through the doors and sent home early. Heaven only knows what happened in there.

I don't kiss and tell.

No, that's my job.

So, I sent her home to practice her charisma. After awhile, she was sufficiently starving, and I sent her to The Grind for some fun and bar food.

 
Is this some sort of punishment? To push me to the brink of starvation?

 No. I just like to kill two birds with one stone. :-P

 Anyways, there are more important things going on than your stomach growling. There is something VERY interesting going on outside.

I think Venus will like this.

It's Don Lothario! And I made him over just for Venus!

Well, whoop-de-shit. I don't give a damn. I'm starving over here. Hello? Don't you see the moodlet? 24 hours until DEATH!!!

Ok, then you have just enough time to get Don away from that girl that was trying to steal that other guy away from you yesterday.

Bitch.

 
I'm sure Don was impressed by Venus' talk of soda.

And autumn salad. Focus, girl! It's Don Lothario.

She rolled a wish to find out if Don is rich or not.

Haha.

Why are you laughing?

Because that is funny. Wish granted, V - He's not. He lives in a barn.

Bummer. Can I eat now?

Sure, why not?

   
As you can see by the look on Venus' face...she is unimpressed by this bartender. I was, in fact, worried that she would wither away from starvation before he got around to serving her.

He dropped every drink he made and he's got a weird star thing on his face.

Oh, and he's gay.

??

WHAT?? Where did you pull that from?

 

 I think it's pretty obvious. Don was served before me. That can only mean one thing.


I think it just means he was evil and wanted to see you suffer.

Haha. Even I am fiendishly delighted.

No. You're warped.

Believe it or not, Venus actually sat with Don on her own:

 
Don: Read any good books lately?

"Shut the hell up, jackass, I'm eating."

VENUS!!!

I'm sorry, where are my manners?

"Please shut up, DON, I am eating."

Somehow during this endearing exchange, it was found out that they both are flirty! Isn't that a coinky-dink?

Yeah. I love Don. I want to have his babies.

Sorry, V, no can do. He's poor and young to boot. Not to mention he is my favorite EA created sim (even if slightly changed by me) and I don't have the heart to let you marry him and knock him off.

Hmmph.

Venus, though, never being one to listen to me, moved in on Don on her own.

   

As you can see, she had apparently already asked his sign. Then she proceeded to ask if he was single.

Again, I laugh.

What is so funny this time? That's a viable question.

Well, for two reasons, dear:

1) He's Don Lothario. He has commitment issues.

2) Like you would even care if he was. 

Mwahahahahah. You know me so well. However, I was just trying to make polite conversation.

 Of course, Venus always has food on the brain, and she chose to compare Don to beautiful, ripe garden vegetables.

Don, being the sucker he is, fell for it.

And in return:

 Whatever the hell that means.

Oh, it was good. You should learn Simlish.

You're just easy.


HEY! I resemble that remark. Hehe.

*shakes head*


However, when she got started on the bathtub story:

 I figured it was time to send her home.


Hey, that's my best material!

Apparently. And already used twice in this post. Not that I think Don was even listening. It doesn't matter what Venus says to anyone, at this point...I  mean, she's barely wearing clothes.

I know how to dress to accentuate my figure.

You know how to dress in a manner that screams "one-night-stand."

...

Nothing to say?

I'm not saying you're wrong...

You're hopeless.

Venus did, indeed, make it home. ALONE. But not for lack of her trying. She woke up the next morning and this is the first thing that happened:

 

Is it so WRONG to want simple kitchen appliances?

No. You can want all day long, that doesn't mean that you are getting one. You have a perfectly good microwave. I don't get you a stove for one simple reason:

You'll use it.

As opposed to...sitting on it?

Smart ass. I mean, if you use it, you will probably burn yourself to death, and I didn't spend all that time trying to recreate you just for you to die 5 seconds into the game.

Anyways. I think that's enough for today. 

Tune in next time to find out if I give in and let Venus have a go at Don (of course!), if Venus finally gets the stove she always wanted (negative!), and if she ever finds her a naive old geezer with lots of money (crosses fingers!). 

Or if I just decide to run off into sim oblivion and escape this whole stinkin' disaster.

*shuts game off, silencing Venus*