Bodyguard Needed...Apply Within

*dusts off blog*

Sorry, guys! I normally wouldn't have left a new story for so long...

Blah, blah, blah...where the HELL have you been? Did you forget that I existed? Are you going to try to tell me that you had something BETTER to do with your lame ass time?

I do actually have a life, Venus.

Don't make me laugh. You expect me to believe that you have a life when you spend your time playing with little make-believe people in a computer game? Puh-lease. 


I know exactly how to send those little make-believe people away into oblivion. 

Oh, I'm sorry, that was insensitive of me...do tell us about your pitiful, boring life. 

 *rolls eyes*

Anyways, I wouldn't normally have left a  new story for so long, but my fiance was on "vacation" last week, and you know how MEN are. :-P 

Yes. They're amazingly stupid creatures.

VENUS!



What? I was just joining in on the men-bashing. 

I would like it if you didn't offend my male readers. (Assuming that there are, in fact, male readers.)

...

??

...Assuming that there are, in fact, readers AT ALL.

I'm thisclose...

Haha. Good sense of humor, remember?

You suck at everything.

I missed you!!!

Moving on, please...

If you remember, when we last left Venus, she had just conquered Don Lothario.

And if you also remember, you left Don at my house the ENTIRE TIME you were gone...so I conquered him more than a few times, let me tell you.

Ick.

        

Anyways, this was how I found them. I believe that Don is quite smitten.

Venus immediately woke up and helped herself to a juice.

I was starving. You left me alone and helpless for weeks on end.

...I was gone for a week. ONE week. And I hardly think you were helpless, you seemed to know exactly what to do with yourself.

*grins*

  Did you think to offer one to your guest? 

He knows where the refrigerator is.

Pretty soon, Don woke up, and they ended up on the front lawn, somehow...

  

But before long, it was back to where they started:

Sheesh. Didn't the two of you get tired of this while I was gone?

*giggles*

It was at the point that Venus and I noticed something was going on with Don:

 
Look at that poor sap.

What did you do to Don while I was gone??! Did you change him into a Hopeless Romantic? What the french toast? I've never seen him do that before. 

 

Mwahahahaha. Mission complete.

Your mission was just to make Don want to marry you? I thought you LOOOOOVED him? 

Of course I love him. I love all men.

That is just too much.

Don continued to be very...un-Don-like.

 

  It was fun while it lasted.

Excuse me? While it lasted?

Yeah? Did I say something wrong?

No...I s'pose not. Moving on...

   
Venus then bid Don a cold farewell. (Especially for someone that had been stuck in bed with someone for a week)

A week is a really long time...

Imagine...some people get married.

God bless those poor fools.

*glares*

I'm engaged, I'll have you know.

Good. There's still time for you!


*pouts*

It took Venus no time at all to move on.

I believe that Don hadn't even made it out of the door before she started dialing up Jon Lessen.

The car!!


What?
Just look at it!

    
I would look SO HOT driving that. 

Is that all that you are thinking about?

No, of course not. I'm plotting his untimely demise as well. Where do you buy arsenic??

VENUS! You're going to poison the guy to take his car?

YOU picked out the Lifetime Wish...remember? Don't try to blame this on me.

  

But, sadly enough for Venus, I don't think she and Jon Lessen are going to happen.

 

It was sad. It really was. I am heartbroken. 

You don't have a heart. 

You're so mean to me! I had high hopes for driving that car. I mean...for living happily ever after with Jon. But all he wanted to talk about was the Big Dipper. I think I fell asleep one time. I almost fell over.

I think you'll manage.

I sent Venus out on the town to try and meet some people to cheer her up.

It was such a beautiful car.

First stop was the salon.

     

Why are you bringing me here? I am obviously perfection and therefore do not need a makeover.

We're just people watching.

Hey...look over there. *snicker*

I'm starting to feel creeped out. Do I have a stalker? Am I safe? Do I need to....

To what? 
 

I'm sorry, what?

You were saying?

Saying what? What are you talking about? I don't even care...I'm...in...love...

  

With that dress? *snicker*

No, stupid...that...VISION OF HEAVEN that the dress is dancing with.

Yuri Ivanov?

 
What is that?

...his name.

Notice how he is watching me. He loves me, too.

He is wondering who let the hooker in.

I don't have time for your cruel jokes.

    
Hello, Yuri Ivanov, I am Venus York...and I love you. Not so much that face you are making, though...think you could stop that?

*crawls under a rug and dies*

Apparently, Yuri found Venus rather dishy, as well. However...I see trouble brewing in the background.

Trouble? How could there be trouble. This is perfect. I pick him. 

You've picked every last dang-blasted guy that you've met! I'm worried that if you find a gnome, you'll pick him, too!

Whatever, hater.

  
Well, there certainly does appear to be some "hating" going on around here, but it doesn't appear to be from ME.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about YOUR face...crossed out...in DON'S thought bubble. You might want to act like nothing's going on.

...I don't remember telling you to act like you were a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

I'm trying to throw him off.

Looks like you're trying to scare Yuri away.

  
Ha. He found it amusing.

Don doesn't find it amusing. He is getting sick at the thought that you have probably been ridden more times than a bicycle.

That was downright vulgar!

I don't control Don's thought bubble.

I'm ashamed of you.

I guess that, at this point, Venus decided to do something about Don.

  

...but apparently a hug was the WRONG thing to do.

Why is he still thinking about marriage?

You brainwashed him. That must have been why he was walking funny after you woo-hoo'd.

 
One apology later, and Venus has everything Don-related under control. Yuri, however, looks as if he has caught the Venus bug.

I didn't have time to worry about Yuri, though. I always feel bad for sims that are starving, and I will take them to dinner 99% of the time if they are friends with my sims.

Well *I* had time for Yuri. If you were so damned worried about Don, why didn't you pop your little simself in here and take him to dinner, hmm?

That's what YOU are for! My simself didn't woo-hoo herself silly with him.

You make me sick.

It must have been SOME dinner, though, because Don got the all clear to drive Venus home.

...just ONE MORE TIME.

If they were married, I would worry that Don had secretly won the lottery, and Venus was about to off him.

Mwahahahahha.

What?

I don't know! I'm evil. I just like to randomly burst into maniacal laughter, jeez.

  
Isn't he just the stupidest thing you ever saw? I mean, just plain dumb. Five minutes ago, Venus was basically raping Yuri in the salon right in front of his dang-blasted face...and now....

I told you that they were amazingly stupid creatures.

...but at least they are good for something. *giggles*

Eww.

Ummm...Venus...you are being beckoned...

Venus?

What are you doing?

Building a log cabin, genius, what does it look like I'm doing? I had to pee, gah, sims have needs, too. Like...privacy, for one? *ahem*

 Apparently, Don needed to spend a little bit more time with Venus before jetting off.


Not that Venus seemed to care, she drifted right off to sleep.

She left work the next day, starving as usual...

So I let her go to The Grind, to munch on some healthy bar food.

 Oh my jeez, is that woman on FIRE??

I don't know, who cares, shut up...I'm eating. 

  
As usual, she can't be bothered to have polite conversation with this poor police officer that eats with her every single time she is there. 

 Food is beauty. Talking while eating would taint my tastebuds.

That's ridiculous. You're just a hog!

Someone certainly didn't return from her fiance's "vacation" in a happy mood.

*points to self* It's me.

     

Who is that girl in that HORRIBLE outfit, dancing with that guy who would probably be delicious if he wasn't wearing that terrible outfit?

What?

The redhead.

Oh...that's Ruby Broke. Story Progression has named her the town tart.

I object!

I know. But don't feel bad, you're the town tart over in Barnacle Bay with the Braxton's.

That makes me feel a little better. But I think I'll dance with that guy now, just to show her how it's done.

...you might want to change first.

Oh...

 

 Right.

She then proceeded to introduce herself to Billy Caspian.

 

  I'm sure he's wondering how much this is going to cost him.

What's that supposed to mean? 

You know...your "rate."

The horror! I don't charge.

No...you give it for free...that's called something else entirely. ;-)

Hateful!

     

 Hi, Billy Caspian, I am Venus York. I'm not a hooker in case you were wondering, so there will be no charge for dancing with me. Just to get that out of the way.

Did I accidentally give you the inappropriate trait, or are you just really that socially disabled?

I was just clearing things up before they became an issue.

*raises eyebrow*

At this point...nothing amazes me:

 

 They danced...

...and danced.

And then, I noticed something interesting.

What is it?

The door, Venus.

The door is interesting? And you called ME disabled.

*rolls eyes* Look over towards the door.

     
 Oooh...who is that??

Yuri, stupid.

I thought his name was Yuri Ivanov?

...I give up.

All of the CC getting cleared off of my computer  messed Yuri up, and made him eligible for another  makeover.

I'm liking this one better.

Me too! Is he rich?

*laughs*

I hate you.

Not that Venus was ever one to let money issues get in her way. She isn't very goal oriented at this point.

   
     This place is like an all you can eat man buffet. I'm not going to settle for one thing right now.

You will do as I say!!

*raises eyebrow*

 Whatever this was apparently was so dirty that it didn't even get it's own thought bubble.


Of course, since this game is nothing but random:

 Yuri's daughter, Tatiana, decided to walk in...make a circle around the joint, and then walk out...leaving everyone wondering what the hell a kid was doing in a bar. And also giving an example of why children of a certain age should not be allowed to dress themselves. I think she was sent in by his wife...to be a spy!!


He's married? COOL!

I'm gonna pretend you just didn't say that.

 
 Bet he doesn't stay married for long...mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

For some reason, every male within a 5 mile radius of Venus (aside from Jon Lessen) is putty in Venus' hands.

Needless to say, it was not hard for her to lure him onto the dance floor.

 
 Hate to break it to ya, V...but you're barking up the wrong tree, if that's what you have in mind.

A girl can dream, can't she??!

  
Excuse me while I admire my own work. :-)

As I have said before...men are putty in her hands. (Jon aside)

Do you have to keep reminding me of that? *cries* I think Jon should give me his car to cheer me up.

You are impossible.

So, anyways, one hug later:

   
...and they were headed for the door.

 As they were standing around outside, waiting on the taxi:

I noticed something creep-tastic:

*cries* I'm afraid of ghosts! 

 You're a crybaby!

See how much of a crybaby you think I am when the invisible man on a bicycle comes for YOU!

 
 Eventually, they made it back to her place, WITHOUT getting kidnapped by invisible bicycle man.

Maybe that disappearing baby was driving the bicycle. Have you ever considered the fact that you're going insane?

Yes, and I'll call the moment I recreated you "temporary insanity." 
That stings my heart!!

  
Things moved fairly fast between the two of them.

They certainly wasted no time stripping down to their undies.

It was hot inside, my TRAILER doesn't have central air.

*rolls eyes* Good excuse, V.

   
It looks like someone needed some cold water thrown on them.

Hey, I have an idea...if you *did* start charging, you might be able to afford a new bed. That one is probably going to fall apart one of these days. It's *ahem* well used.

Great idea!

Oh no...what have I done?

   
She could always offer a satisfaction guarantee and customer testimonials. They all have seem pretty pleased, no?

What can I say? I'm a people pleaser.

I'm not gonna touch that with a ten-foot pole.

   
It was almost time for work, so that didn't leave much time for talk of nuclear whatever-the-hell-that-is.

And, after he pulled himself out of his little mooning-over-Venus thing that he was doing...Yuri strutted on home. I'm sure his wife will suspect nothing.

After a night of ME, he won't even remember he has a wife.

...I'm actually inclined to believe that.

I had a surprise waiting for Venus when she came home.

Oooo...exciting! You moved Yuri in? Jon gave me his car? IT'S A STOVE, ISN'T IT??!

    
Sorry, toots. Wrong, wrong, and *laughs* WRONG.

It seems The Riverview Lottery was drawn last night while you were busy with Yuri.

*squeals*

Have I ever told you that you're the best sim creator, ever? Like, I totally love you. You know what? Why don't you move your little simself into town here. We can be besties, me and her. That's how gosh-darned much I love you.

Can it, Venus. Read the paper.

  
It says "Long time Riverview resident Melvin Taft wins lottery."

 
Ummm...exsqueeze me...but who the HELL is Melvin Taft?

Funny, I thought you might ask that.

I got a snapshot for ya.

   

 

  

 DEATH! DEATH AND DESPAIR! I CURSE YOU!!

Mwahhahahahaha.

....

Ha.

...ha.